After 41 years of devoted service to the Quaker Oats Company, Cap’n Crunch was finally promoted to the rank of Comm’dore. “Crunch has shown remarkable dedication to Quaker Oats and we are pleased to bestow upon his betasseled shoulders the rank of commodore,” said CEO of Quaker Oats, Gary Rodkin. “Children the world over, and indeed the meal of Breakfast itself, owe him a debt of gratitude.”
“It’s about damn time,” said the maritime cereal spokesman in his trademark, slightly quivering voice.
Commissioned in 1963 to increase the appeal of the cereal of the same name, he feels the recognition is overdue. “I could have used the time to sail the high seas, trading in spices and silks from the orient,” Crunch said.
While he has spent much time on land, he has made one very noteworthy discovery in that time: crunch berries. Named after their discoverer, and coincidentally comprised of the same ingredients that are used in Cap’n Crunch Cereal, they gave the brand a considerable sales boost.
“The cereal was getting stale, not in the literal sense of course, as Cap’n Crunch brand cereal stays fresh and delicious for months, useful on long sea voyages and the like - crunch berries merely extended the cereal’s shelf life, as it were,” said Quaker Oats representative Dwight McCoy.
“I remember when I spotted Crunch Berry Island through my telescope,” Crunch said. “Those berries shone in the in tropical sun like, well, artificially colored berries.” The breakfast icon has extolled the virtues of the cereal of the same name since 1963.
It is still in question whether the cereal itself will be renamed to better suit its spokesman. “Cap’n Crunch definitely has a certain, oh I don’t know, ‘je ne sais quois.’ We really like that apostrophe in there. But hopefully making the switch to Comm’dore Crunch won’t alienate too many people,” said John McCullough, director of marketing at Quaker.
When asked whether his promotion would affect the breakfast treat at all, he replied that the recipe would remain the same and will continue to lacerate the roof of the consumer’s mouth. “That’s what makes the cereal unique,” Crunch said. “By creating minor scrapes in the roof of one’s mouth, the flavor can penetrate the ‘flavor centers’ of the mouth much more easily. I may not be Dr. Crunch, but I know what I’m talking about here.”
The Cap’n was promoted ahead of such other noted captains as Morgan, Kangaroo, and America. “The Cap’n deserves this a lot,” said Captain America. “He may not have fought Nazis like I did in World War II, or even participated in major action in the South Seas, but educating people on a satisfying part of a complete breakfast is a worthy task.”
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