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By “thar” I mean “Bowery Ballroom last night,” by “she” I mean “Ted Leo,” and by “blows” I mean “rocked my ever loving socks off!” Matey just means matey. After what amounted to be about a year and a half, I finally caught my white whale, seeing Ted Leo live for an entire set, without some form of natural or manmade disaster getting in my way. But true to form, it wasn’t an entirely smooth ride.

First, I couldn’t get anyone to revel in my victory with me. Sunday night is not a choice time for going out. People are spent from the weekend and have to mentally prepare for the soul-crushing week ahead. So I set out by myself, planning to only catch the second opening act, which still left plenty of time before the main act. When I got to the train station I heard my train pulling in so I bounded down the steps. I bounded a little too much and almost bit it hardcore on the stairs. Luckily my cat-like reflexes prevailed, but the train was pulling away just as I reached the platform. A slight setback but �twas nothing serious.

I was hoping to sell my other ticket to a fan who waited too late to buy tickets. The other thing about Sunday night shows is that they don’t sell out. So I used my special 1-for-the-price-of-2 ticket and entered the Bowery Ballroom. The first band was just finishing their set. They didn�t sound like anything worth mentioning so I�ll stop there. I surveyed the crowd and took note of all the people I wanted to avoid. Then I picked a spot near the middle of the floor surrounded by what I thought to be fairly innocuous people. Boy, did I miscalculate.

As it turns out, I was actually standing in the middle of the fan base for the next act, The Seconds. I’m careful to say act, and not band, because it was not a band. It was a group of three people that wanted to waste everyone�s time. As I was soon to find out, they didn�t play songs. They preferred instead to wield instruments as noise makers, and shout unintelligible words in counterpoint to each other. There was the miniature Asian bassist, so small she was dwarfed by her Fender bass, and looked as though she were a cereal box prize. There was the competent drummer who was wasting his talent in a novelty act. And then there was the balding, devoid of charisma and stage presence, front man who obviously thought he was hot shit.

With each minute they remained on stage, my mood grew darker and darker. Ted Leo had screwed me again! Why would such a reputable band have these ass clowns open up for them? The only people not furrowing their brows were the idiots immediately surrounding me. They were furiously bopping their heads to the cacophony coming from stage. Surely, these people had been either drugged or lobotomized. Someone started throwing ice on stage, and well deserved boos (from me) started being heard. What I wouldn�t have given to have a giant shepherd�s crook to yank them off stage, vaudeville style.

Well after that travesty ended Ted Leo came on stage performing his own roadie duties. I was expecting the worst after the previous “act” and given my history with Ted Leo shows. Would he manage to electrocute himself while setting up? Trip on a cord? Realize music wasn’t his calling and announce his retirement right before he was supposed to go on?! My fears were all assuaged as soon as he started playing and my mood immediately improved.

First of all, he’s an impressive musician. He’s got a great vocal range, and sings while playing both lead and rhythm guitar. He’s got stage presence and likes talking to the crowd. And he’s got wide appeal, evidenced by the 16 year-olds at the front of the stage, and the 20- and 30-something hipsters everywhere else. His guitar licks sound both Celtic and punk. His songs are thought provoking and sustain themselves for longer than the standard 2 and a half minute mark.

He played songs from all three of his full length releases and they all fit perfectly together. He wasn’t even trying to push his new album like you’re “supposed to.” I didn’t write down the set list but he played all the good stuff like Under the Hedge, Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone, The High Party, Biomusicology, and the newer stuff like Me and Mia, Little Dawn and Shake the Sheets. He was jumping around stage wailing on guitar and signing all at the same time. All I can say is that it was everything I hoped it would be after so many failed attempts to catch his live show.

He played for a solid hour before doing two encores and checking out at 12:30. I left victorious. After all this anticipation, I was not let down. It feels great to have your expectations fulfilled for once. So as I made my merry way to the train again, I heard it pulling into the station again. I made it to the turnstile with enough time to swipe and get on, but alas! The cruel hand of fate did not spare me entirely. My unlimited Metrocard had expired at midnight, not even half an hour ago! I watched the last train ever pull away, as I shook a bitter fist in the air. But it didn’t matter in the long run. After losing every battle, I finally won the war!