100% Pure Petroleum Jelliffe

…Be sure to repeatedly say it’s a goose so everyone knows it’s a goose.

Today I was waiting for the F train for a while, which is rare because it usually works fine during rush hour. So when it did come it was no surprise there would be some bizarre service alteration. In fact, it wasn’t even the F that arrived, it was it’s thalidomide-deformed half brother, the V train. And instead of going express, which would have been sensible, it was making all F train stops to Coney Island.

It should be noted that Coney Island is the end of the line for the F, so for all intents and purposes, this was an F train, except for one minor difference: the markings on the train.

The train I was in was decked out in V train gear like a front-running Red Sox fan, but all the markings were digital. The V was shown on the 5×7 black on yellow matrix left over from the early 80s, which is easily capable of changing it to an F with literally just a flip of a switch. The backlit orange V on the front and back of the train could also be easily changed to an F by advancing the roll. That’s a technology that’s been around on buses since polio was a major health concern. Polio!

Because it was still technically a V train, the conductor and every station we stopped at had to make it clear that this, despite all appearances, was an F train. It’s very difficult to make something clear, however, when your PA system moonlights as a white noise generator, and the conductor speaks less English than the rats who live on the tracks below.

So please MTA, rather than having the scatting immigrant repeating that this V train will be making all F train stops, just make it a goddam F train! No confusion, no ulcers of frustration, just plain common sense.