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In the immortal words of The Who, I hope I die before I get old.

This weekend I was driving along the LIE and just past LeFrak City is one of the most depressing sights it has ever been my misfortune to obesrve.

Senior Quarters. Where people go before they die.

It’s a motel-like building, with a bold serif typeface sign, and I want to cry every time I see it. Picturing the people inside, I see them living out the last years of their life right off the LIE, being condescended to by expatriate island nurses and ungrateful children, actually playing bingo and being “treated” to viewings of Coccoon and Fred Astaire movies.

From their website, here’s the Typical Daily Activity Agenda:

10:00 a.m. Good News. Local stories and current events.
10:30 a.m. Morning Exercise Group.
11:00 a.m. Music/Art/Internet Classes
11:30 a.m. Lunch Trips and Entertainment at Local Community Centers
12:00 p.m. Book Review Hour
12:30 p.m. Educational courses via telephone
2:00 p.m. Life Discussion Groups or Educational Seminars
2:30 p.m. Various Games (e.g., Bridge, Chess, Boggle)
3:30 p.m. Happy Hour with Cocktails (not available in all communities)
5:00 p.m. Dinner
7:00 p.m. Ice Cream Social, Bingo, or Movies

Old people get up at 5 AM, this I know. So what do they do until their heavily filtered news gets read to them? Then their time is further wasted trying to have the internet explained to them. My grandparents, scholarly as they are, still can’t use an answering machine. Book Review Hour is only 30 minutes long. It gets cut short so the elderly tenants can be educated via telephone. Gotta love the personal touch. Lord take me now!

I ain’t goin’ out like dat. It’s a viking funeral for me.