I recently opened a new checking account because I was in need of one that didn’t get jealous when I used another ATM, and punished me with lavish fines. I used to think it was my fault, you know blame the victim. I should have planned farther ahead to have time to walk by my bank’s ATM, not someone else’s. My bank was especially jealous if I went to some bodega to get cash. Heaven forbid the only one available is right next to the bar and it’s 3 AM and I’m out of cash but not sobriety. So I told Fleet we should just be friends, but I can’t close the account unless I see Fleet in person. And Fleet stops seeing people after 4, which is very convenient for it because I don’t get home from work till after that.
So right now I’m two timing Fleet with Washington Mutual, a much more caring, convenient, and sensual bank than Fleet ever was. But now my dilemma is what personal checks to buy. They come in so many sorts of garish, tacky and bland designs, I just can’t decide! Should I show my softer side with some hugging teddy bears, or should I assert my masculinity through custom Harley Davidson checks? I bet the electric company will appreciate my sense of style after I send them a denim check.
Here’s a list of the one’s I’m considering:
Good Hairday Checks
Featuring haircare products flying through a beautiful blue sky. It’ll keep my payees wondering long after the check clears.
Happy Days Checks
Nothing says "Ayyyy" like the Fonz… except these checks! Hey student loan payment: sit on it!
Colt Classics
These have nothing to do with the Indianapolis Colts, or the classic malt liquor, just the gun. It’ll be like shooting my debts in the head every time I use one of these.
Antique Fire Trucks
I love how these checks commemorate fire trucks that probably caused more fires than they prevented.
Arbor Day
These’ll come in handy to spread the word on my favorite holiday: Arbor Day. It’s too bad Arbor Day comes but once a year, whenever that is.
Kids
Lookit, its kids! Just in case you forgot what kids look like when they’re wearing sailor suits, bonnets, and other things kids haven’t worn in over a century. Watch them snack on gigantic, unwieldy lollipops, too.
Pro-Life Zingers
I can’t remember how many times I wanted to zing a pro-choice advocate. Luckily these checks point out why women shouldn’t have the right to choose. Thanks, God! (Honestly, though, these are scary.)
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