100% Pure Petroleum Jelliffe

Odds are if you’ve even flipped past Comedy Central lately, you’ve been inundated with ads for Fitness Made Simple®, with Fitness Celebrity John Basedow®. You know the guy, incredibly jacked with a pencil-necked dufus’ head. He’s motionless from the neck down because he’s flexing every muscle known to man at the same time. He’s only on camera for 3 seconds at a time because this can only be maintained for several seconds before he starts vibrating and turning magical shades of purple. Or maybe that’s the crappy television reception. He really looks like he’s just a head on someone else’s body. Sort of a more photogenic Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. But all he’s selling is some exercise tapes, that only take 10 minutes out of your day. You know what else takes 10 minutes? Taking your picture and pasting it onto someone else’s body. See? I didn’t even break a sweat to look like him. And I look ten times as badass.